WOLFSIE: Grrrrilled cheese

By DICK WOLFSIE
Guest columnist

February 10, 2008 01:09 am

— I don’t know who invented the grilled cheese sandwich, but I’m sure that if he’s been listening to the TV and radio lately, he’s turning over in his grave. Turning over is an important aspect of a grilled cheese sandwich, so if he is turning over, I’m sure he’s timing it exactly right.
Why would I write an entire piece about grilled cheese sandwiches? Because a new ad campaign is threatening this distinctly American delight, and I’m not happy about it.
The ads proclaim a contest for the “Best Grilled Cheese Sandwich” finalists will be asked to prepare their favorite version. But hidden in this seemingly innocent promotion is a fundamental flaw. You see, the beauty of a grilled cheese sandwich is that its ingredients belie the fact that you can’t improve upon the basic recipe. The ingredients for a grilled cheese sandwich are simple:
• American cheese
• White bread
• Butter
I’m warning you people who are considering entering this contest: Do not mess with this recipe. I’ve seen Judge Judy put people in the slammer for less.
As soon as you try to make a better grilled cheese sandwich, it’s not a grilled cheese sandwich anymore. Instead, it’s a cheese sandwich that’s grilled with artichokes. Or it’s a cheese sandwich that’s grilled with honey-maple bread. Or it’s a cheese sandwich with onion and tomato. Or, it’s a cheese sandwich that’s grilled, made with low-fat cheddar cheese. THESE ARE NOT GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES. THESE ARE NOT GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES. THESE ARE NOT GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES.
As you can see, I’m starting to heat up about this.
I think a lot of this comes from childhood. My mother made a great BLT sandwich. Her tuna sandwiches really hit the spot. With these dishes, there was very little room for innovation. As a child, you don’t want surprises. When’s the last time you saw TODAY’S SPECIAL on a kids’ menu?
Don’t misunderstand. Just because the recipe is simple, doesn’t mean that the preparation is easy. The pan needs to be heated to just the right temperature, the butter needs to quietly nestle in the center of the pan, then trickle to the edges before it browns. The pan must then be covered as each side of the bread browns and the cheese melts perfectly. HEY, ARE YOU WRITING THIS DOWN?
By the way, I used to feel the same way about lemonade. You can call it raspberry lemonade, but it’s not lemonade. You can call it peach lemonade, but it’s not lemonade. Yeah, that used to drive me crazy. But I got over it. You can only fight so many battles.
You know, I’m not done griping about this grilled cheese thing. Who’s going to enter this contest, anyway? Probably a bunch of Generation Xers who think that if you slather salsa over something it becomes a health food. Or maybe a panel of “30-Somethings” who think that a wheel of Brie on toasted sourdough bread in some way can be loosely interpreted as a grilled cheese sandwich. GRRRRRRR!
Look, let me try this again: American cheese, white bread, butter. Here’s my e-mail address: Wolfsie@aol.com. What part of that recipe is confusing you?
I nurtured a grilled cheese sandwich for my son the other day. It was a thing of beauty. I marveled at it in the pan. It was as close to the Platonic ideal as possible: uniformly browned, cheese melted to perfection, an aroma that had put the dog into some kind of hypnotic trance.
“How’s that grilled cheese sandwich, Brett?”
“Oh, pretty good, Dad. Could you pass the ketchup?”
“I could, if you want to go to your room for the rest of your life.”
I realize I’m taking this whole thing a bit too seriously. And I think I eat grilled cheese sandwiches way too often. In fact, I went for a medical check-up the other day and I got some bad news:
“Dick, I’ve looked at your test results and this grilled cheese obsession is creating a problem with your blood.”
“Oh, dear. Is it raising my cholesterol?”
“No, your blood pressure.”
Dick Wolfsie of WISH-TV is a weekly contributor to the Kokomo Tribune.

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