Published: October 07, 2007 12:56 am            

VASICEK: Married and … happy about it

Treasure awaits the committed

A recent Kokomo Tribune article featured a story about a couple who had been married in church but later participated in a traditional Miami Indian wedding. After the ceremony, the couple paddled away in a canoe as man and wife. They were married — and glad about it.

Whereas some people get married to enjoy life together, more and more couples are engaging in “commuter marriages.” According to a Sept. 27 article in Time Magazine, “Commuter marriages, in which couples live apart for long stretches, are multiplying. Their number jumped 30%, to 3.6 million, from 2000 to 2005 ...”

The article mentions that most of these commuter marriages are not due to military deployment (or necessity), but usually result from couples who freely put career ahead of sharing daily life.

My interpretation is a bit more cynical: Two workaholics can now pursue their careers without the guilt that comes from neglecting ones marriage. They come together for an occasional romantic rendezvous and then jump back into their happy grind.

Interestingly, the Time article claimed that the divorce rate for commuter marriages was about the same as for marriages in general, though former commuter couples who then live together go through grueling adjustment periods.

When my wife and I were in Italy (2005), our tour guide gave us her take about modern marriage in Italy. She said something like this:

The kids grow up slowly; there are no good jobs for them or they are not willing to launch out on their own, so they live with mom and dad past age 30. They get boyfriends or girlfriends and spend the weekends with them, and, eventually (maybe in their mid-30s) get married. When they share life together and their relationship is not just sex and romance, they become estranged and end up in divorce court.

Whether in America or Europe, fewer and fewer people know how to get along. Our societies develop all sorts of alternatives to marriage simply because fewer of us have the relational and social skills it takes to stay together for life.

In addition, we no longer view marriage as a life long commitment. In the past, many would reason: “I’m stuck in this relationship until I die. I had better learn to get along, to compromise, to work things out, to make the best of it.” And, in many instances, they did. People were forced to negotiate, compromise and meet each other halfway (key relational skills).

Commuter marriages do not develop conflict resolution skills, nor do they require the creativity it takes to keep a marriage thriving and alive. Although such arrangements help couples evade arguments, the couple is less likely to develop relational depth.

But where do the foundational skills (that marriage develops) come from? Where can people learn social and relational skills? We learn positive (or, unfortunately, negative) ways of relating from the example set by our parents. We learn without realizing that we are learning.

There are other “second best” sources: books, seminars or being mentored by a seasoned couple. Despite these opportunities, people face a couple of gargantuan obstacles: (1) Few people who are relationally weak recognize they have a problem; they view themselves as victims, and (2) We often like who we are (and have no intention of changing). We want to change the consequences of who we are, but not who we are.

A great treasure usually awaits those who are willing to face their own shortcomings, develop their relational skills, and work relentlessly on their marriages. That treasure is a satisfying (yet admittedly imperfect) marriage. And although our society advertises the many marriages that do not work, the truth is that most do. I wouldn’t trade my marriage for all the factories in China! If you are married (and live with your spouse seven days a week) and are happy about it, I urge you to “speak up.” Society needs to hear from us.

Ed Vasicek is pastor of Highland Park Church and a weekly contributor to the Kokomo Tribune.

        

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